If you know me, you know that for the past 5 years I lived in an intentional Christian community in North Carolina. Much of my life was about roommate issues, and well it should be, since charity, which is the form of all the virtues, begins at home. What better way, then, to be schooled in the virtues, than to live with other people whom it is sometimes hard to love.
For me, life at Iredell was a constant confrontation with my own limitations in virtue, my own inability to be thoroughly called out of my individual life in order to be attentive to the needs of my brothers and sisters. Oh, I did well enough at times, but often the interior questions and resentments piled up. One friend and one-time housemate used to kid me about the "notebook" -- my mental list (book!) of resentments tallied.
So, of course, I've been looking forward to a little time in my own space, to cook whatever I want, to watch whatever movies I want, to clean up after myself and not wonder what the score is on how many times which housemate has emptied the dish drainer.
But alas, that's not how it turned out. Clearly, God decided that I needed to be more deeply schooled in charity. It has become clear that my brother will be living here at least until Sept 1, unless some hefty miracle intervenes. (Feel free to pray for such.) Meanwhile, having him for a housemate is interesting schooling indeed.
Now, let me be clear that my brother has a debilitating illness. St. Augustine was brought to tears by the mere thought of what it means to have one's intellect so thoroughly shattered. I've been brought to tears by it myself many a time, believe me.
I'm listing my top 3 complaints, just to put them out there.
3. Frankly, I resent the fact that he has more extensive conversations with the voices than with me.
2. He is a very sloppy eater. He gets more food inside him than anywhere else, but the #2 spot is a toss up between the floor, the table, and the edge of his plate.
1. He is either unable or unwilling to care whose toothbrush is whose. My new one lives in my travel bag.
Actually, this is going better than I would have imagined possible. But it does wear on one to always be the one who cooks and cleans, and always the one who nags the other to do even the barest minimum of cleanup to contribute. And the toothbrush thing really grossed me out. Ugh.
I have the sense, as I often have before, that I bear the curse of being an almost-virtuous person. It seems to me that, if I were a truly virtuous person, I would find perfect joy in serving my brother in his affliction. If I were a completely vicious person, I wouldn't bother at all. It seems to me that I am in the somewhat difficult position of knowing what the right thing to do is, and even being willing to do it, but because I lack complete virtue, I still carry a certain amount of resentment over the whole thing.
I suppose I should be thanking God for this wonderful opportunity to learn to be more charitable. Sigh.
1 comment:
I always think of you as actually virtuous. Or, at least, more virtuous than I am. Although, actually, when we saw things different ways living together, it was a constant struggle for me to figure out if you were seeing things more clearly because of your additional virtue (which would mean I should defer to your judgment), or if your additional virtue made you too likely to think the best and therefore was a hindrance to your right-seeing of things (which would mean I should stick to my own view). But I always assumed (and still do!) that you were the more virtuous!
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